The title says what I’ve been inside lately. It’s an ugly painful place and I’m feeling the climax of it right now as I’m typing. The biggest problem with me is me and I drive myself crazy. I feel worthless a lot between the whole “not having a steady job” thing and my self-esteem is below low, I mean really low-low and so much more, I just don’t see a lot of good in myself and even as I’m writing this I feel stupid because it’s like my own pity party except it’s on the internet, my stock just fell another 10 points… great.

I guess the good thing is that I’m actually getting over something that I’ve tied my heartstrings to for nearly 2 years and I’m starting to see things in a different light. The weirdest part about one of the most painful things I’ve ever dealt with (a girl) is that I created this catastrophe, I did this, with no involvement from the other party. I don’t know how that path really started, but I know it lead down a painful road that had put me no further in life and has dead ended into complete grief and angst. Tonight marked a turning point for myself in that relationship and I’m just starting to abandon the empty hopes that I placed into an invisible basket, but it’s not a thorn on my heart, it’s actually a weight being lifted and so I thank God for that because it’s one of the few good things I’ve had happen to me lately. I’m a depressed idiot.

Truly, the only reason I’m writing this is that I feel like I am alone with no one I can talk to about the subjects of my pain and regression and so I give the conversation up to the blank face that is the internet and those out there who stumble upon my lonely site. I have friends, as my last post unveiled, but with the amount of crap that they’re dealing with, I think I would just be bogging them down and making their life all the more stuffed with angst and a heavy heart, so I deal on my own in my way which is here. I know that this too will pass, but I’m getting so worn down that I can’t be so sure sometimes and I just need to get this junk out of my system. As busy as I am, I feel like I accomplish nothing and that I contribute very little to this thing called life, but I don’t know what more I can do, perphaps all of this is true because I’m a pessimist, or maybe I really don’t contribute. I don’t know. I want to love, but my love is soo often rejected or spat back at me or turned into some kind of toy for the ever so creative comedian to point and laugh. I just feel like giving up on caring and trying to be me, because that apparently gets me nowhere, the truth, while it may set you free, can also bring on a crap-fest that just adds to the pain.

I wish I wasn’t such a sap, but I really am. I’m really good at seeing my flaws and doing my best to lift them to a pedestal so I can slowly dig my grave. I think that I have just been crushed a lot lately and the more times I get smacked around, the worse I feel, until I can’t take holding it in. I don’t know what all I want to say, but any prayer that you may have for me would be so appreciated, because I just am hanging my head and denying it when asked to save face. I’m tired of playing the pain off and keeping it within myself, but I don’t know who to talk to for relief, other than God, but I need a human helper. My mind is so all over the place right now. I’m a beautiful failure.

Well, the song here is one that may seem unlikely, but it’s “Devastation and Reform” by Relient K and the reason it fits me right now is that it’s all about how we get let fear and pain take control and then we come out of it and then we go back. I’m definitely on the bad part of the rut and I’m waiting for the part where I get out of it and start to get on, having learned something from the hard times. Complete lyrics are necessary for this song as it is my current story.

Fear can drive stick And it’s taking me down this road A road down which I swore I’d never go And here I sit Thinking of God knows what Afraid to admit I might self-destruct

So lock the windows And bolt the door Cuz I’ve got enough problems Without creating more

I feel like I was born To devastation and reform Destroying everything I loved And the worst part is I pull my heart out, reconstruct And in the end it’s nothing but A shell of what I had when I first started

Usually I’ll cause my own first hit It seems to me to be slightly masochistic But there’d be no story Without all this descension So I inflict the conflict With the utmost of intention

So lock the windows And bolt the door Cuz I’ve got enough problems Without creating more

I feel like I was born To devastation and reform Destroying everything I loved And the worst part is I pull my heart out, reconstruct And in the end it’s nothing but The shell of what I had when I first started

Thank you God For giving me the insight So I might make These wrongs right If and when There ever is a next time Cuz failure is a blessing in disguise

Pull my heart out, reconstruct And in the end it’s nothing but The shell of what I had when I first started The shell of what I had when I first started

I feel like I was born To devastation and reform Destroying everything I loved And the worst part is I pull my heart out, reconstruct And in the end it’s nothing but The shell of what I had when I first started (When I first started) (The shell of what I had when I first started)

I think there should be a phenomenon named for how life can change in a matter of one day, I don’t know what it would be called, but I think it should be out there. In the last few weeks I’ve made some really amazing friends which has helped me out a lot. I have never been someone who “needs” friends and I have typically not been fond of people who can’t go for a day without talking to their friends, but I’m starting to see the other side of the fence.

I have lived (back) in alliance for about 3 years and while I’ve had my share of friends, I wouldn’t say that many of them have been people I could open up to about things in my life. That has changed in the last few days and I really am happy to have found my new close friends. Usually a friend, for me has been someone who has wanted to hang out, but when it got personal, the killswitch was engaged and things turned superficial and now I have some guys that I can trust and talk to while being completely stupid and enjoying my somewhat immature nature.

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this all out, but between the lights that have been turned on in my life lately and the amount of strength God has given me, I just am so happy to have friends in my life that care for me as a person to the core and who are willing to accept me for who I am and pray for/with me when things are tough. I also am really happy to say that I think God has been responding on the idea of working at the church full-time and the answer is seemsingly a yes. I absolutely LOVE the youth and don’t know that I can live without being able to help and care and enjoy being with the youth at my church. I feel like I’m 16 and like so talking about like my BFF’s and I mean like just…. I’m kidding, but I really have a fire and passion for what I do at the church and for all the youth.

Along with making some of the best friends I’ve ever had, God has also blessed me with work. But why would you need work Cole? You ask? Well, as much as I enjoy webbing things up for the internet, things can be slow and that means that while money doesn’t come in, bills do and I have to face that music. I was talking with my parents the other day and they wanted me to get an “hourly” job to which I complained and made excuses because I never wanted to go back to flipping burgers and reaking of grease. Well, that night I begged God for help in the job market and only 6 hours later when I woke up there was an email from UPS (whom I applied to months ago) saying that they needed loaders and that I should come and interview and I was ecstatic. If that’s not an amazing example of God’s grace and how He listens to prayer than I don’t know what is. I hope to start at UPS pretty quick and I look forward to it because it’s a great job with good pay and great benefits.

This may have seemingly been a weird post because it was random, but it’s been on my mind all night and I just want everyone to know that while times can be rough, life always changes and things always pull through, just gotta take the good with the bad. The song for this post (and if you haven’t noticed the trend, all my posts should have a song attached, because music has no boundaries and is amazing and beautful). is “I So Hate Consequences” by Relient K because I really love this version of the song from their “Live at Capitol Records” Session and the truth that’s spoken throughout the song is something I deal with a lot when I’m down. I’m just gonna post all of the lyrics for the whole song because it says so many great things and is a prayer that I pray when I’m stuck:

“Never forget, there’s life after death and taxes.
And forgiveness comes, and all of the rest, it passes away.
And I’m good, good, good to go.
And I’m good, good, good to go.
Gotta get away, get away from all of my mistakes

So here I sit looking at the traffic lights
The red extinguishes the hope that the green ignites
I want to run away I want to ditch my life
Cause all of my mistakes keep me awake at night

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Oh God, don’t make me face up to this
And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is
Cause I know that I let you down
And I don’t want to deal with that

It just now hit me this is more than just a set back
And when you spelled it out, well, I guess I didn’t get that
And every trace of momentum is gone
And this isn’t turning out the way I want

And after all of my alibis desert me
I just want to get by
I don’t want nothing to hurt me
I had no idea where my head was at
But if my heart says I’m sorry can we leave it at that
Because I just want for all of this to end

And I spent all last night
Tearing down
Every stoplight
And stop sign in this town
Now I think there might
Be no way to stop me now
I’ll get away despite
The fact I’m so weighed down

Lately I have been being influenced by so many good things and learning so much about love and not being ashamed to live for God and this morning I had my heart broken and a fire set to it.
So, this morning was different than most Saturday mornings for me. It started much earlier and brought on a message from a foreign pastor, his name is James Alexander and he lives in the Sudan which is in Africa. Before I get to the interesting part of what was said there, I have to first point out that while this little meeting of people at the Abiding Savior Lutheran Church seemed like it wouldn’t be a big deal, I had somewhat of a passion for it before I even knew what it was going to be about. Pastor Alexander has lived in the Sudan all of his life and has been a christian which causes conflict because there has been war there for more than 30 years between Muslims and Christians. The point of the meeting this morning was to bring awareness of what is going on in the Sudan and to get support from Christians in the U.S.

I didn’t go into this meeting/speaking this morning expecting much, but I left the church with a fire on my heart to help and a calling from God. I don’t know about you, but I am someone who sees bad things on the news that are going on in other countries or sees a documentary such as “Invisible Children” and I can change the channel or walk away without any compelling feeling in my heart and while I hate it, I seemingly can’t overcome it, but this morning was different. As pastor Alexander spoke I saw a true pain and truth coming through what he was saying and I felt a calling to not just give money or to leave afterwards forgetting about what I had just heard. Instead I felt that I needed to do something and that I could, God was and is calling me to help and I want to follow through on that calling.

While I know that I need to go to the Sudan, I don’t know that it should be something I do alone. I see a great amount of worker’s to go and help with the harvest in our youth group at the church. I want to ask them for their help and to gather a group of people from our church to go and help the Sudan youth. While I feel the calling, I also know in the back of my mind that it will be met with resistance, resistance from parents who don’t want their kids to go because of the risk or because it will cost a lot of money to do so, resistance from people in the church who think sending money will be enough and the list goes on and on. I pray that God will lighten those hearts and give them a willing spirit to allow for this to happen, I think God can use our youth to help others. Personally, I feel that we need to quit “just sending money” and start actually acting on the callings God puts upon us, to quit caring about who we are in this world and what people think of us and to just begin to care and reach out to the lost. I’m tired of being a christian who plunks his nickels into the bucket when I could give so much more with my life.

Looking back on a lot of my posts to this blog, I’m somewhat saddened to see myself telling all my problems and complaining about these miniscule things that really bear no real significance, or that mean so little. I’m starting to see the world as a mission field and not so much as a place to live and collect what I can before I die to give away to my future children. I am starting to see that living for Christ means a lot of sacrifice and I want to do whatever He calls me to do. If you’re reading this and feel compelled, please comment, email me, IM me (sn - hacker32987), myspace me, SOMETHING me so I can do my best to give you information and get you involved or go to Partners International and donate to the cause.

While a song might be weird for this post I have one. It’s “We Fall Down” by Chris Tomlin from Passion and it’s great because after singing a little bit, Tomlin talks about how he went to Africa and when there, the people taught him the song in their language (Tswana) and so the crowd sings it through once or twice and then they call the people in Botswana and sing the song to those people in their language. The first time I heard this song I was moved and I think it’s great for this post because it’s about singing to others in their language and I think that even if we don’t speak another language, we can still speak a universal language of love in who we are and how we live and act and where we go.