I have come to a realization on day one of this great trip, I’m not as good as I think I am. I need to be humbled. I have so many things that I do well, that I shove my bad to the back too often and that HAS to change to be an effective leader. I feel like I’m live at an Apple keynote and I’m blogging to the world the greatness of what I’m learning about God. I need to Shift and I’m glad some things have occured on this trip that have awakened my eyes to be a new person. I just feel somewhat broken right now, but I’m also learning so much on how to change and I’m looking forward to the rest of the week.

Lately my life has been amazing and I’m not sure how many people know about it. One of my biggest downfalls is that I have a problem showing my deeper side to people in person, that’s why I have this blog. I seemingly talk about deeper things on this blog, mainly because it’s easier than face-to-face because I can’t see your reaction (now that face is priceless, turn off the webcam and then my point will be made). I don’t want to be that way though, I want people to know that I am not just a goofy intern or a college student who cares about his company and his life, but that I’m a caring person who wants to dig deeper with them if they need it. So, if you’re reading this, odds are that you know me a little better than most people I interact with (see, there are benefits to reading my blog and I don’t even charge for this service). I just want the people I come in contact with to know that I care about them, even if I have problems showing it and I want people to know that I’m there for them for anything they need and that life can be amazing, if they would just live it with one purpose… to please God.

I’ve been dealing with porn and lust so much better lately because I’ve finally gotten to the point that when I have difficulty and almost fall, I just bring it to God and ask for Him to give me strength to get through it and it’s done. I have dealt with some painful stuff just in the last week and the only reason that I’m not hanging my head and dragging a heavy heart is that I gave it to God and asked Him to help me through it and not only did He bring me through the storm, He gave me a great feeling in my gut (the way to a man’s heart right?) for the future. God has been giving me waves of what I’m to do and I’m feeling the role model idea coming on and that I am to lead in my church and out of my church. I’ve had some interesting conversations lately and one of them is how to view faith, and I think that we as Americans have been taught that corporate church is the way to be a spiritual person and it’s how you connect with God and it defines you as a christian. While I don’t oppose all of those ideas, I do feel that God cannot be a once, twice or three times a week thing that only lives in you while your at church, it has to be a relationship that is customized. I feel that you have to figure out how you praise God best and do that as much as possible and that prayer doesn’t have to be confined to a 10 minute speech to God every morning/night, instead it can be something that is constant, because when you keep God on your mind all of the time, and you talk to Him constantly you begin to live and feel differently. I’m going through a transformation right now and it feels great and I have so much to say about God, but I’m sure you’re about worn out from the amount of skimming (you didn’t think I knew, eh?) you’ve just done, so just plan on hearing a lot more about God in everything I say and blog about from now on, because God is becoming the center of my life and so I leave you with a song that defines how I’ve been/will be living from hear on out. The song is “Center” by Charlie Hall.

Well, like I said in my last post, this week might be a roller coaster for me and it was more like the tower of terror at Disneyland, quick and scary. I had done something for someone for Valentine’s Day and while it made her day, she doesn’t have the same feelings as I do. “It’s ok” is what I keep telling myself and while it is because things could change or there could be someone else out there for me, I have started to doubt it. See, this is about the fourth time that I’ve had feelings for someone and they haven’t been returned, 4 times in a row, that’s gotta be a record. I just wish I wouldn’t have these feelings until I find the person who IS for me. Love makes things so complicated and then if things go the way they always have for me and you see each other a lot (like in this case) then it’s awkward for both parties and it just sucks…hard. I’m so tired of not having someone though and not having experienced love and a relationship and geting to have those butterflies in my stomache be a good thing. I’ve really gotten to the point that I just want to give up and go on living as though I will be alone forever. I don’t blame any of these feelings on anyone other than me, because it must be something in me that repels women. I think I have a night full of praying ahead of me. Maybe the next post won’t be so painful.
Update:
In only a few hours I’ve practically gotten over the pain and am already looking forward to the future. I think that asking God to give me peace is all it took, He has reassured me that He’ll take care of everything and that I shouldn’t be too worried about what happened today. All of a sudden my heart is so light and I look forward to building a great friendship with the girl I have been talking about lately, I think it’s gonna be a lot of fun. This is what was supposed to happen, whether I think so or not, God’s got plans and I’m sure that they’re better than any I could ever make.